This Love Demands Surrender
It was an almost flawless move. Well, minus needing two new tires, breaks, an air filter, and a much needed oil change after an 18 hour drive but that’s what adults spend their money on right? Ha! But in all seriousness things couldn’t have gone better. Moving to Texas brought a full circle in so many areas of my life. Areas the Lord has been molding that I hadn’t surrendered to Him yet. I’ve written about my hard seasons so I wanted to share what I’ve learned in this all too good one.
1. Jesus loves the process.
I like peace and hate anything that would disrupt that. If it’s conflict I don’t like to deal with it. If it’s emotions, I stuff them and try to move on. When there’s a situation I’m learning from, I’d rather just learn what I need to learn and get to the end of the disruption of my life. The thing is, God loves process. He loves to take His time molding my heart and chiseling away anything that keeps me from loving Him fully and completely. Where I want to be at the destination, to God, the process is the destination. The process is His purpose because it’s there I become more of who He created me to be and it’s then I realize I can’t do life without Him. When I think I know what I need, he’s like “Nope! We’re gonna work through this a little longer.”
“God is not working toward a particular finish- His purpose is the process itself. What He desires for me is that I see ‘Him walking on the sea (Mark 6:49)’ with no shore, no success, nor goal in sight, but simply having the absolute certainty that everything is all right because I see ‘Him walking on the sea.’ It’s the process, not the outcome, that is glorifying to God.” Oswald Chambers
Things I thought I had moved on from such as an eating disorder I was still trying to control or hurt I hadn’t fully seen as a gift. I also realized I had been living by standards that weren’t actually mine but simply the way I thought I was supposed to live. I had this idea of the kind of person I was “supposed” to be. Free from any eating disorders, forgiving, fully surrendered and content with whatever God wanted for me. I wanted to already be over all these things. To be at the destination instead of accepting the process. It wasn’t until I was moved away from the security of my hometown with no blanket of protection from my parents or security of knowing someone everywhere I went, or having people around me to perform for that I realized I hadn’t actually dealt with it all. Complete vulnerability left me with only God and myself and I quickly remembered He is much more trustworthy than I could ever be. And if He wanted me to get to the bottom of these things then I could believe it was for my good.
2. He loves me so, so much.
If you haven’t seen A Quiet Place I highly recommend it. Hopefully I’m not spoiling this for anyone but I’ve seen the movie three times and there’s this scene that brings me to tears every single time. Throughout the film the daughter, who happens to be deaf, doubts her father’s love. She believes she messed up too badly to be loved by him. She didn’t feel accepted and it shows in her spirit the whole movie. Even though he attempts over and over to heal her biggest weakness by creating a hearing aid, she doubts his love. (To give you some background, they are constantly fighting for their lives against a creature who attacks when it hears sound. They have to be completely quiet or they will die.) The powerful scene comes when the creature is trying to attack the girl and her brother and the father knows a point has come when he can no longer keep them safe. He turns to her and says in sign language, “I love you. I have always loved you.” And then yells at the top of his lunges causing the creature to attack him so his kids could escape. What a man right?
I realize it’s just a movie and a highly unrealistic one at that, but the symbolism brings such a realization of the love Jesus has for us. He’s always loved me. When I mess up, run from Him, choose other things I think will fulfill me, and even have the pride to think I can control my own life, He loves me still. He died so I wouldn’t have to and continued to give me better than I deserve. He gives pain and sweet gifts, both to grow me into who He made me to be. He worked out the smallest details to move me to an amazing city to teach me things I never would have imagined. He lets me hurt when I need to because it brings me back to himself- only because He knows my joy will only be complete when I seek it in Him.
3. This love demands surrender.
After noticing there were things I thought I was over, issues I wanted to be done with, but wasn’t, I realized I hadn’t fully surrendered them. I was driving to work one day wondering why surrender is so hard for me and it hit me: I don’t trust Jesus. I don’t really think that His way is better. I don’t fully believe that when He allows pain it’s because He loves me. A cool thing I realized is that when I’m anxious about something it’s because it’s too valuable to me and I don’t trust Jesus to be in control. I’d much rather have it all in my grasps than to let go and surrender to Him.
The root issue? I think most things we struggle with are from a faulty view of who God is and who we are. I’m reading in Matthew right now and the Lord’s Prayer has me learning so many things. We have to see Him as “Our Father who is in heaven” holy and above all things while loving us as His children, before we can say “your kingdom come, your will be done.” (Matthew 6:9-10) Once I see Him for all his glory, power, and love I realize my place as a worm while He is the butterfly. When I try to take things into my own hands, fail to trust Him or when I forget my worth in Him, He whispers, “Morgan I love you. I have always loved you.” This love died for me. This love sees me and knows what’s best for me. This love is above all things and knows exactly how long I need to be in the process. This love demands surrender.
