When we don’t get the desires of our hearts
I’m afraid to admit it. I’ve tried to hide it for so long and pretend I’m okay. I think because it’s not an eating disorder that everyone sees but a hurt that I can attempt to cover up. The truth is being single is so hard.
One of my wise friends recently made such a good point. So often we raise our little girls to believe if they just make good choices and “save themselves” that their Prince Charming will come and they’ll wear a white dress and meet the man of their dreams and live happily ever after. I've heard Christians say so many times that you'll get married because it’s a desire and “the Lord will give you the desires of your heart.” And when those little girls grow up and look around and everyone else got the goal and found their perfect man but they didn’t, the church backtracks and says “singleness is a gift and just be content.” This doesn’t seem to line up for me I’ve wanted to be married for a while, it’s definitely a desire of mine, and I’ve tried to force myself to just “embrace the gift” for so long.
I grew up in a small town and went to a small Christian college where “ring before spring” wasn’t just a joke but a reality. Honestly I’m so thankful for the atmosphere I was raised in. I have so many godly friends who love Jesus and push me to be the better version of myself. Most of them are married and talking about kids (what!) and I couldn’t be happier for them! Jesus gave them this gift and I get to watch them glorify Him with it. But I’ve realized the marriage focus I grew up believing gets a few things wrong especially when it comes to this made up promise that if we do A and B then C (a husband) will come. Gosh I’d love to be married but that’s not Gods best for me right now and I wasn’t created to get married. That’s not God’s will for our lives. He wants us to know Him. To love others and to make disciples. Some are called to do that single and some do that best while married. But we weren’t born for our wedding day and it’s not the ultimate goal we should be living for.
“Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself in the Lord. Let Him be your pleasure, your joy and your desire.
When He is your desire you can know you will have as much of Him as you want. It’s a promise that when we seek Jesus and desire Jesus we will find Him, not a promise that whatever we want will be given to us.
Recently I broke down and was honest with myself and with God. I’m tired of always being the bridesmaid but never the bride. I’m exhausted of always being happy for my friends but always being the single one. It gets lonely no matter how much I love my dog or how many trips I plan. Could I lower my standards for the kind of guy I want to date/marry? Sure but I’ve learned that being alone is better than being with someone who isn’t the right someone. Being alone, but in the place God has me in, is far better than pushing for what I want at the risk of losing that side of a friendship with Jesus that only comes from seeking what He wants. Plus I’m far too independent and want so much more in life than to be in a relationship just to fill the loneliness void. I’m single because it’s God’s best for me to be single. Psalm 84:11 says He withholds no good thing from those who follow Him. What’s good in my mind (being married) is not the good He has for me right now to bring Him glory.
We need to stop telling girls their perfect man will come (because he won't be close to perfect) and stop making marriage the end goal. Because when they end up being single telling them to just “be content” when we told them they’d get married just isn’t enough. You don’t hear the Church telling the widows, the barren or the other hurting people to just “be content” and “this season is a gift” so let’s change how we view the unmarried as well.
I’m learning a few things in my honesty.
1. It’s okay to be upset. And it’s okay to be real and admit that I’m not content. Instead of pushing those disappointed feelings away I can seek Jesus. I can cry to Him and tell Him I don’t like the season He’s chosen for me right now. I can give Him my brokenness and let Him mend my heart in however long He sees fit. I can let Him be the desire of my heart and see that desire fulfilled as I know Him more.
2. It's okay to still want marriage. Marriage is a good thing and It's alright to pray for what I want. I can ask The Lord to let a relationship be the next season I live in. This doesn't mean it will be but it's a continued attitude of looking to Him on the matters of my heart.
Because the truth is prayer will either change my circumstances or it will change my heart to look for something else.
And the more I talk to Him and seek Him the more I will start wanting what He wants, even if thats more years of just me and my pup.
Do I think most people end up meeting someone and getting married? Yes because I’ve been in a million weddings. Do I still hope that one day it will be my turn? 1000%. But it’s not why I was created and instead of forcing myself to be okay with that, I can tell God what He already knows. I can ask Him for what I want and rest knowing that if I seek Him then I truly will get the desires of my heart: Jesus Himself.
